TOEIC Writing 添削サンプル Respond To a Written Request
TOEIC Writingの Respond to a Written Request, Write a Opinion Essayの問題を使って提出いただいた添削へは、予想スコアと弱点診断が併せて返信されます。
TOEIC WritingのRespond To a Written Requestでは、与えられたEメール問題の返信を作成します。 返信にはDirection:で指定された内容を含める必要があります。
試験問題
Directions: Read the e-mail.
From: Raymond Steele
To: Wentworth Community Center
Subject: Volunteer program
Sent: September 22, 3:11
Dear Wentworth Community Center,
I learned through your website that you have a volunteer program for kids. I have been looking for a program for my four year old daughter to participate in and yours looks like something she might be interested in. Could you please provide me with more details regarding the program?
Thank you,
Raymond
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Directions: Respond to the e-mail as if you are a staff member in Wentworth Community Center. In your e-mail, give TWO pieces of information and ask ONE question.
予想スコア
- Overall Score (0-4): 3/4
修正済センテンス
Dear Mr. Steele,
Thank you for having an your interest in our program.
We have various kinds of volunteer programs. Regarding the program for kids, the qualification for the program is between 4 to 12 The program for kids are between 4 and 12, and we have two programs. One is cleaning around NY Central Station, the other is feeding animals in NY Central Park Zoo.
For the kids program, being accompanying by their parent is required all children must be accompanied by adults.
You can participate in both or either program. And Also, it would be better to wear clothes that you don't mind having getting dirty.
In either program, you don't have to bring anything. We are going to prepare a plastic bag and a pair of gloves for the cleaning program or prepare for the feeding program.
Both programs start at 9:00 am and end at 12:00 pm on every Saturday. After the program we move to Central Park and have lunch there. We prepare lunch for the participants, so you don't have to worry about a lunch and food or drinks.
That This is a brief guidance explanation, but if you have any questions, please feel free to ask contact me. We are sure that your kids would will have a good experience.
Best regards,
Garland
Wentworth Community Center
先生からのコメント
[Content Advice]
Task Completion:
The writer generally addresses the tasks but some are unclear. The writer gives more than two pieces of information, but misses out on asking a specific question. Suggestion for improvement: The respondent can improve by asking a specific question such as "Are you available to join the program this Saturday?"
Clarity/Consistency:
Certain phrases are unclear and can cause misunderstanding. For example, the meanings of "we are going to prepare plastic bag and a pair of gloves for the cleaning program or prepare for the feeding program." and "we are going to move to Central park and are having lunch there," could potentially be unclear for the reader. Suggestion for improvement: The writer should ensure clarity in their phrases. For instance, they could revise the phrases to, "For the cleaning program, we provide gloves and bags. For the feeding program, we will provide food for the animals."
[Correction Comments]
- "have an interest" is okay, but "Thank you for your interest" has a more personal tone.
- "Regarding the program for kids, the qualification for the program is between 4 to 12" is unnecessarily wordy and therefore confusing. Use "The program for kids are between 4 and 12" to be more direct.
- First of all, "being accompanying by their parent is required" is grammatically incorrect because "accompanying" is an active form, but here a passive form ("accompanied") is needed. Also, you can simply write "All children must be accompanied by adults". It is short, direct, and easy to understand.
- Don't start the sentence with "And". Use "Also".
- clothing generally "gets" or "becomes" dirty.
- "on" is not needeed.
- "lunch" is understood. You can write "food and drinks".
- "this" to refer to what you are presently writing.
- You can't use "guidance" for a general advice. ("guidance" is an uncountable noun so the article is not needed) You can also use "These are the basic details..." to refer to the individual points.
- "explanation" matches the meaning better.
- Use "will" to show confidence.
Nice try with this email. Good job!